Watching Out For
Yourself In On-Line Relationships
Tips For The Gay Teen
by the National Coalition for Gay, Lesbian & Bisexual Youth
Weve grown increasingly concerned about the welfare of gay teens on electronic
services such as AOL and CompuServe due to several
instances where young guys have been taken advantage of (usually sexually) by others
(usually older, in-the-closet, gay men) arranging
meetings. In response to this, weve put together a brief set of
"guidelines" that we believe you should consider protecting yourself from
getting hurt.
People Are Not Always What They Say They Are
Electronic services allow people freedoms that the real world does not. Forty-year-old man
can become a teenager again. Wedding bands
arent at all visible in the on-line world. And everyones body tends to become
thin and smaller when they log on (well, not all areas get smaller).
And if youre a gay teen, youre most likely still in the closet, perhaps just
coming to acknowledge and accept your orientation. It can be liberating to find other guys
on here just like you. And you can get some badly needed support when you find someone to
talk to that understands what youre facing, and can relate their own experiences.
All of these things combine to make it easy to start trusting someone on-line. Perhaps
overtrusting, in some cases. You may decide at some
point to get together with your on-line friend, in the real world. Its not only
cheaper, but its also nice just to have someone to talk to and look at them
face-to-face.
But remember, just as in the real world, appearances can be deceiving. There are people
who log on simply to find sex partners. Theres nothing wrong with that. Consensual
sex between adults, and consensual sex between younger people, is fine.
We know many gay teens that are looking primarily for friendship, acceptance and
understanding. And many of them are going through trying times, and sometimes dont
think as highly of themselves as they should. That happens a lot due to the homophobia
that surrounds us every day. So it can be nice when someone, who knows youre gay,
likes you for the total person you are.
The problem is that some people think that everyone is a potential sex partner, simply
because you share the same sexual orientation. And they know that they can manipulate a
gay teen, playing on your sense of wanting to be wanted. Or convincing you that certain
sexual activities are what being gay is all about.
Sometimes, some guys will try to talk you into doing things you might later feel badly
about. So its important to remember that your body is yours and yours alone, and you
have the right to stop things whenever you feel uncomfortable.
Be Careful If You Meet
If you do decide to get together with an on-line friend at some point in time, then make
sure you proceed with caution. Do not go meet someone at their hotel or their house. Meet
only in a very safe environment, such as a shopping mall, or a fast-food restaurant. Get
to know them in a safe setting first, for a few times, before you ever decide to go to a
more private location.
To some extent, you need to spend time building up trust all over again, because things
are different in the real world than they are on-line. And turning off your computer
cant simply erase the implications of a mistake.
If you do decide to meet someone, let your family or friend know where youll be
going (you can do this without telling them who youre meeting or what youll be
talking about, if thats something you want to keep to yourself). Use your own
transportation, or make sure you have money reserved to get back, in case things
dont go as you hope and you want to make an earlier exit.
And if you ever do wind up in a private environment, then remember again that your body is
yours. You are in control of it. If you dont want to be touched, make that known. If
something starts going farther than you like, past the point where you feel comfortable,
then speak up.
If youre truly with a friend, theyll appreciate hearing that, and theyll
respect your wishes. Friends are like that. Its when someone does
something against your will that you know theyre not really your friend. Dont
worry about making them unhappy with you, or be afraid that theyll like you less.
Dont do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable; after all, you have to wake up
with yourself every day.
And if something happens to you that you think is harassment, assault or rape, then you
need to take some action. Tell someone you trust. Then get help. Youll find
crisis-intervention and violence assistance lines listed in most telephone books, and you
can also call directory assistance (4-1-1). Its often best to call one of these
groups BEFORE you call the police, if you can. (But get yourself out of the problem
situation first!)
And remember that it is not your fault. If someone goes too far with you, remember that
you did not ask for it, you do not deserve it, and you have a right to respect. If you
want to, press charges.
If You Have Sex, Make It Safer Sex
Consensual sex is a very positive thing, though. And you also shouldnt become bitter
or untrusting of everyone around you if youve had a bad experience.
Believe it or not, there are lots of gay teens your age. You can find them on-line, or at
a local lesbigay community center, or youth group. And community centers and youth groups,
by the way, are a great place to make other gay friends, because they usually have a wide
range of social activities and support, too.
If you make a friend who is close to your age and start to see them as something more than
a friend, its natural that youll want to date them. As you get to know them
better, you may eventually decide to make sex a part of your relationship.
If thats the case, then you should ALWAYS practice safer sex. Safer sex means always
using a condom, every time you have sex. The most
important thing to remember is never to let someone elses blood, semen or vaginal
fluid into your body.
The best condoms are lubricated latex condoms. Always use latex, because lambskin condoms
dont block HIV. And you should get condoms that are coated with Nonoxynol-9, since
that has been found to kill the HIV virus and offers some additional protection.
Using lubricant will make things go smoother and give you added protection. But always use
a water-based lube (such as K-Y, Wet, Foreplay, or Probe). Oil-based ones (Vaseline, hand
creams and lotions) break latex.
Make sure your condoms are fresh; check the expiration date. Throw away condoms that have
been very cold or hot or that have been carried around in your wallet or run through the
washer. If you think the condom might not be good, get a new one. Youre worth it.
In Closing
This posting is not to make you skeptical of every person you meet on-line. In fact, we
view electronic services as a sort of national resource for lesbigay teens, because for
many, its the first time youre able to find someone else like you to talk to.
And we know of a lot of gay teens that have found people on-line that honestly do care
about them, and many of these happen to be gay men in their 20s, 30s, or older, as well.
For some, this has literally meant the difference between life and death.
Electronic services like AOL and CompuServe are wonderful places to meet people, and
perhaps even make irreplaceable friends. It is a place where you can come to feel safe, in
a world where being gay doesnt always make you feel safe and protected.
But be careful, and take care of yourself. Your life is worth it, and youve just
begun to live it.
Where To Get More Information
There is a wealth of resources out there for you to take advantage of. Community centers
for lesbians, bisexuals and gay men that offer a whole range of social and support
activities. Youth groups where youll find other guys and girls just like you. Many
of them are going through exactly the same things you are, and probably even live pretty
close nearby.
It may seem kind of scary at first to think of going to these places, but theyre
really one of the best ways to begin enjoying your life as a gay teen, and begin the
process of becoming a gay adult whos happy with themselves, and living a happy life.
Community centers and youth groups have helped so many people accept who they are that we
think theyre the best place to turn when you want to start meeting people.
Its easy to find these groups, believe it or not. If you cant find one in your
local phone directory, then all you need to do is send an email to the AOL screen name
"NCGLBY Org" for a confidential resource listing. Youll need to include
your city and state, zip code, area code and your age so that we can find the appropriate
resources, and the reply will be sent confidentially back to your email address.
This posting is one in a series of public service announcements from the National
Coalition for Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual Youth. We also thank the Coalition for Positive
Sexuality for material used in the discussion on safer sex. Our goal is to help you reach
your twenties and live your life as a happy, confident and vital openly gay man. You have
our best wishes, as well as our help, in getting there!